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First the fun stuff. Last night’s dinner was quick, simple, and delicious. I started by dumping a can of fire roast tomatoes, some chicken broth, a 1/3 cup frozen corn, and 1 cup pinto beans into a pot on the stove. While that simmered (really it only needs to warm up, but I think I let mine go for about 20 minutes)

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I popped a leftover frozen spinach turkey burger in the mirco and toasted up a sandwich thin.

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Then topped the soup with some chili powder, pepper, and a 1/4 of an avocado.

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Seriously delicious and very filling.

I can’t believe that it’s already June! I took sometime to really think about how the past 6 months have gone and how I’m doing with the goals that I set out to accomplish this year. Unfortunately things aren’t going so well – I’m not trying to have a pity party or anything, I’m just trying to be real with myself about how things are going.

Last night, even though I had a super satisfying meal, I binged. I wasn’t hungry and I honestly wasn’t even craving anything.

Back in December I was pretty happy because I had less than 10lbs to lose until I was a “healthy weight” according to the BMI scale. I changed my outlook on diet and exercise and the binges basically stopped on their own. I was losing weight, very slowly, but it was worth it because I was so much happier not obsessing over calories.

Somewhere along the lines the holidays and vacations and guests and parties started catch up with me. At first it was just a 3lb gain. This really didn’t bother me at all, I knew it would all balance out in the end. Then it turned into 5lbs and I started to get upset, wondering if I should start counting calories and such even though I knew I didn’t really want to. Now its 7 lbs and I’m downright mad and frustrated, this more than my jeans feeling a little too tight.

When I think about it, there’s really no question why the binges are coming back. I’m freaking out about gaining weight, preoccupying myself with losing it, and then sabotaging myself because of the anxiety.

The same thing has been happening to my workout schedule. I’ve been putting extra pressure on myself to burn as many extra calories as possible to make up for the binges. Just thinking about it that way makes me dread the gym. It makes me exhausted just to think about working out, so I put it off and put it off until the day is over and I just don’t do it.

The point of all of this isn’t to be negative or complain. Its more because sometimes I need to actually see things written out in front of me. Its because this is why I have this blog – to learn about myself and to figure how to be and stay healthy, for me. Up until today I was doing a lot of the “I just don’t understand?” “Why am I doing this?” But now that I’ve thought it all through, its a little harder to ignore.

Sure I’m upset and a little ashamed that I let myself gain 7lbs instead of losing them like I had hoped. But that’s life and dwelling on it is likely to only lead to more distress and weight gain. I honestly feel a million x better getting all this off of my chest.

I think as long as I keep things in check mentally, everything will start to turn around. I’m going to focus on the upcoming marathon (!!!), having fun with food and workouts, and indulging a little bit less for a little while. Now I just need to get that training plan finished…

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