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Some days I’m not really sure why I started a blog. I’ve never considered myself a writer and I still don’t. Some days I just don’t have anything to say and lets just forget about coming up with anything clever on those days. Some days I think about all the things I have to say and I’m just totally stumped. It ends up coming down to publishing a post thats sounds equivalent to a 3rd grade book report or trying to save the idea for a better day.

Other days I hit the publish button and I just feel good. Even when my writing is subpar and my grammar induces cringes, I love taking the ideas swimming around in my head and making them into something tangible. Most of my friends are knee deep in graduate work, holding down jobs, living hundreds of miles away from me and/or their families, or even growing babies in their bellies. They love me and really love to hear from me, but I don’t think to call them up just to tell them that I tried a really simple recipe and totally blew it, or that after weeks of feeling like I’d never get back into running, I just had my best 3 mile run ever. Things that are albeit kind of selfish at times, but still things I want to talk about.

And thats why I blog. Two years ago when I was really heavy into losing weight I blogged on SparkPeople and it helped me. It helped me keep things into perspective, it helped me get advice and support, it gave me away to share all the things I’d learned, and amazingly all without driving my husband and friends up the wall. Eventually I realized I had things to say that didn’t necessarily have anything to do with weight loss, or at least I was tired of relating everything back to weight loss. I was starting to feel obsessed with it and knew that that was the last place I wanted to be.

I loved my new blog from the very first post . I has so much energy and so much to say. I really had no idea what it was all about and even now some 8ish months later I’m still struggling to find my voice (and to figure out what the heck “finding my voice” really means), but it worked for me and I felt good. After awhile I started to get distracted by the incredible amount of stunning blogs out there. How could I ever measure up? I felt self conscious about my lack of traffic and comments and slowly, almost unknowingly, phased out from writing what I wanted to write to what I though I was supposed to write. I want people to read my blog, but my goal here was never to become famous.

I ended up becoming exactly what I left SparkPeople to avoid. I became obsessed with food and eventually started bingeing after working for months to stop. I felt a lot of pressure to get in a lot of big workouts each week and eventually started skipping workouts because I felt overwhelmed. Along with all that I’ve also gained about 20lbs. I’m not blaming my blog, that would just be silly, but I do think that the way I started to feel about the blog was a factor.

I started my blog as way to sort out my thoughts so that I could keep myself thinking about the bright side of life rather than getting hunkered down with negativity. That’s what I want to get back to. I’m not really sure if thats going to mean talking a lot about food (because honestly, cooking a good meal does brighten my day a lot), exercise, weight loss, cats, or my never ending search for employment, but I’m going back to it, whatever it is.

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I meant for this post to be the “I’m coming out about wanting to lose weight and counting calories post” but it turned out I had a lot more to say about why I blog. It was one of those things thats been swimming around in my head for about 2 months and I finally took the hint that “a better day” just wasn’t going to come. I did think I’d come up with a better way to write it, but hey I’m working on doing things my way so I guess this is it haha.

I’m going to do one post about my weight loss goals and my feelings about it all (and how I think BMI is silly because there is no way I see myself as borderline obese…) and then I’ll just go from there. I most likely won’t talk about weight loss a lot, I’ll leave that to Navyguy and the SparkPeople message boards, but I will throw in updates here and there. I’m sticking with my original purpose, I want this blog to give me an outlet, to keep from getting obsessed, not to get me there (again).

whew… that was a load off

anything you want to get off your shoulders?

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